underneath

under the thunderstorm, 

with the unseen house 

of incomplete sheds, 

missing a roof, 

a broken bench 

but painted in the most vivid red, 

i was drenched,

quivering,

perhaps filled with terror

and a little bit of shame. 

i waited for that call,

for a blanket to get me through this catastrophic night 

and i was embraced with an icy vacuum.

of nothingness in the messiest space. 

of silence in the most painful sound. 

and yet, I gave reasons for that absence. 

under the weight of hesitant clouds,

outlined with a wisp of hope, 

i wept for my broken creation. 

for the years of carrying that same blunt spear. 

for my defeated warrior 

the one i watched crawl while holding fragments of her soul.

i asked for forgiveness in front of her tomb. 

so this is what it feels, 

to wish for rain while still enjoying the sun,

to continuously jump on a cliff, 

pretending all the high is enough to sustain my bones.

i am currently underwater. 

inhaling and exhaling,

barely,

to keep floating.

drowning with bitterness in my mouth,

desperation coming out of my nose,

 

like little bubbles 

bursting every time they touch my chest.