maybe it's the hair

i knew that i was in a deep hole when I woke up and that phrase was the morning star I met immediately. It was like a pail of cold water poured on me just to make my eyes open. Unfortunately, I have always been stubborn, always cleaning out things that never looked solid, always leaving behind uncertainties, especially those that come without knocking on my steel door. But at that moment there were no hesitations, just you. and a steady realization that I need no gear anymore, I already crashed. 

I knew I was in a bigger hole when you asked me the question that I asked you. a reverse card as I call it. It felt like I was slapped with the biggest palm the world has to offer. I was jumping into the future I will never know, but at that moment blindfolded or not, I'll dive. 

At that very moment, I know, that I would be more than willing to trade all the words in the world for you. 

You see, I have always been comfortable lying down on my bed of poems, looking at the world with blurry spectacles, spouting every adjective I know to entertain me in this gray hue of my life. Words are not just consolation, but they make a fort, a panic room where I can hide once my blood does not flow on my cheeks. Words sew themselves together, forming a garment, a jacket, a blanket, that I can put on once my skin refuse to feel. 

It might seem like an exaggeration, but these words form as my spine that keeps me together. 

But at that moment, I know, that even if everything is erased, if every letter forgets its shape, I would be standing still. 

I know that even if I would have an empty page, and all I see are these guiding lines without prose sitting on top of them, I would not feel like an unfinished book. 

I know that I would be willing to give up my crutches, and not be able to leave, after all, I do not want to walk away.

I know that I do not know every word in the world, but running out of those I have memorized in my attempt to understand a bunch of phrases, I feel fulfilled. 

Maybe it's your hair, so unbelievably soft, that my cemented heart became infected. 

Maybe it's your pride, so annoyingly similar, that mine is tightly competing. 

Maybe it's your love, so surprisingly marvelous, that it feels natural to be here with you. 

You, so inevitable, infiltrating everything that I am. from my soles to my soul. my foundations and my buildings. my silence and my words. my love implicitly yours.