but thanks.

you asked me if I cried and at that moment I want to fall, be caught up in your arms, and weep like the little kid I was once. i wanted to scrub all the dirt the world has thrown at me and accept the soap that you are offering. but at the same time, I wanted to climb up from the pit that I was in, and rise up without your help. I wanted to break and still be complete, to be standing up while I fall, to lie awake even if I am sleeping on everything I promised I wouldn't go back to. 

but thank you, for those small little words, that did not mean the world to me anymore, but it meant something. It felt like a slight tap on my back. It felt like a handkerchief, tiny, but enough to cover an eye. It felt like that band-aid that I never used, but the thought that I have something in that drawer to ease a wound gives a great sigh of relief. 

I guess this is why letting you go took me a couple of years because I feel seen. because even if I am not falling apart in from of you, you know, that my limb has received a huge blow. You know when to ask, to look, to just listen, to laugh. You know when I need comfort even if I am lying on the softest bed. You just do, and thank you.

but also now, i know, when do I need myself. when is it time to break boundaries, or put on a bold line. i know how to pick myself up without your hands. i know me deeper than you did. 

and yes, i did cry, but thank you