A part of me would always be yours to take

It took me two years before I stopped crying dry tears, to breathe using my own air and put on an armor that is not your skin. It was two long years of coming back and forth,  of asking and doubting, of believing and deceiving —two long years before I stopped hoping that I would see you again with your goofy smile and you'd give serenity to me as a gift. 

It took me a year before I was able to dodge punches and return slaps. I accepted then that you were only mine for a moment —I stole you for 4 long years but it was still... just a moment. You were never mine to keep no matter how selfish I would be. You weren't a puzzle to unravel and I was too stupid to want a part of you that you refuse to give to anyone. I dared to cut and carry a piece of you everywhere I go, but I gave you a part of me without a plan of retrieving it. 

It took me almost nine months before I left denial on the corner of my forsaken city. I was finally running on hallways without the fear of taking you back once I see the hem of your soul. I was braver, but it was also you, the thought of you, the little memories with you, that sculpted my walls. It was your chuckles at night and your teases that carved my circular heart into a heart. It was you, and your name, and your strength, that straightened my back and hammered my ghosts underneath the floor. 

It took me a month before I refrained from blaming you, and myself, for the ending that I never anticipated. I stopped rereading a one-page letter that took over my 365 days. I did not fill an almost empty notebook and did not stare at your ridiculously beautiful handwriting. I discarded the rope and let it loose despite its length. I put them all inside a box, was tempted to throw them away, but if I do, what proof would I have that I was happy for a moment? 

Yes, I was happy with you. 

In ways I never know happiness could take form. I was happy crying on your shoulders, I was happy bringing my despair and have you kiss them away. I was happy that I have tears, and I was despicable because I know you were there to laugh. I was happy to know that even if the world would be angry at me, I have someone's name to utter, and we would be horrible people together. I was happy to be sad because someone is sad with me. You were sad with me.

It is still a mystery to me why I have attached myself so deeply, why I crave for your voice, and the taste of your name on my lips is enough to make my eyes become smaller than it already is. Perhaps, this is love that I was not able to give to everyone. 

Maybe I loved you bigger than I know how to. 

Honestly, I regretted it for a while and denied that you have power over my tough vessel. I regretted it for two years because admitting it is a weakness, and you were the person with whom I shared my weakness. I'm tired of that. I'm strong now. 

But it only took me two seconds before I abandoned my pretentious shell, and stared at your polaroid photo without bitterness on my heart. I felt stronger than I have been for the last two years because I found both pain and comfort in the same person and I was understood even if it was just for a moment.

It took a whole lot of me to know and forgive you. It took my home, my peace, my worth, my words, but it gave me bravery, a muse, and a life with a feeling. 

At this very moment, I can say that I do not love you, but I would never stop loving us —the one in the past— because even if you take that part of me that would always be yours, I know that part of me is real. It has been a long time since I existed. Thank you for the footprints, for the smoke, for the flowers, and for letting me borrow a part of you. 

April 8, 2021

I will take nothing from you. I will take nothing from myself. 

Not anymore.

I have everything I need now. 

It was a long journey, you were there, but I was able to arrive at the destination in my own shoes. Yes, I was burning, and dirty, and a little bit mad but I was worth it.