Even braiding my hair seems weird

Take me back to the time
when my remedy is just a candy
to soothe my aching body
when my greatest fear was a train
coming out of my wounds
and not the scars that would stay.

Bring me to the past
when i do not think and overthink
About the words that were said to me
when i laugh at the dumbest joke
and loneliness was just from the dictionary.
bring me to that kid who had a fortress,
a tent, a safe place to hide for imaginary monsters.
how did it happen
that when the ghosts became real,
there were suddenly no blankets?

Let me relive the moments
when i jump so carelessly
when i did not care for dirt on my skirt
when i played without being scared of the game
of the rules
of losing.
Let me relive the moments
when i did not exist with punishment as my companion
Let me live for a moment
Let me live again.

Growing up looked like a far fetched place
when i was only a girl with pigtails
I dreamed of making decisions
and buying my own whims
Nobody warned me that I'd lose a dream
and a part of me on every decision
Nobody warned me that growth comes at an expense
every transaction has a payment
and genuine happiness
that seemed so free when i was a child
is the most expensive of them all.

Growing up looked like a fairytale
but not full of princesses
or rainbows
Good does not always win
sometimes— most of the time
it's full of thunders and storms
that wreaks havoc
on every wing of the castle
crowded with witches that trick you,
whispering curses
and the mob with pitchforks
accusing verses.
its covered with dragons you battle almost every day
and there's always that constant anxiety
of not being the hero of the story.

So make me that barefooted little girl
with a couple of broken teeth
that never made her conscious
make me own my cheeky smile again
that crinkles my eyes
but not my mind
turn me to that carefree being
who slept soundly at night
who never dipped her feet on the surface of pain.
turn the time when my reasons for crying
were just sleeping in the afternoon
broken toys
prohibited food
and
unbought sweets.
take me back to the rainy days
that i have always enjoyed.
take me back to my own sunny days
that i have always remembered.
— one thing is for sure,
the dark has always been scary.