Condolences

I have attended my funerals for how many times already
but I still feel horrified whenever I see my cold lifeless body
inside the white coffin that I did not choose.
I trap myself frequently in this sealed bed
but im still tired
My heart still shudder when I see my fresh face
that is only a deception made by my artful hands.
I never drew anything before
but circles
black big circles
and lines
boundaries that I cant cross
like heaven not permitting me to rest.
I was oblivious that I could die more than I am dead.
I thought I had enough flowers
that grew beside my unlit candles
since there are no promises to commemorate,
no vows to honor.
I do not want any more visitors
that I have to entertain
faking hospitality
when all I want is mourn my funeral
without time.
I have buried myself deeper than the first
but I still feel the shallowness
and the arms of morticians
pulling out all of my organs
first the heart
second the eyes
last the soul.
i still have incisions vertically
and the sutured wounds continue to open
widely.
I have visited my grave multiple times already
the tombstone has no date
my name is so small.
i do not even have last words carved on the surface
i am just a stone
accepting rain, heat, and flowers
even if I want to break.
I have been turned into ash
cremated until im bones
and i embrace them
because they told me it is bravery
to be burned inside out
and yes, i do watch my hair catch fire
like the Amazon forest
because if i close my eyes or even blink
im afraid that I get to live again
because i do every after death
though I arrive at my funeral after some time
I know it once I can smell the wet soil
and when my arms start to hit the glass in front of me
panicking
as if its the first time
as if people can see.
you are just a still unmoving body.
A buried echo
and your language is life.