How can we see each other if we are not people anymore?

I was a fearful child. I get scared of thunders, the dark, black cats, shadows, sound of rattling chains, and even a small amount of blood. So when I was about 8 years old, I was taught by my mom how to reduce this cowardice that I have. She said I must be brave. The bravest if I can. She taught me that every time I get scared, I pick up the hardest brick that I'll see in this world and pile them one by one. Every hair that raises on the back of my head is equal to a brick. She told me to make them durable. I have to stack them in orderly to prevent them from falling and breaking. 

I did. 

Until I have built a fortress for myself where nightmares can't pass through. I would feel safe every time another wall is finished because then ghosts and monsters that only live on stories cant get me. They can't touch me while I'm inside my protective make believe courage. 

I am free from my fears. 

But of course, terrors are not one type of fever that goes away once you treat it. It will come back with its variety of diseases, sometimes even with the worse types.

I was clouded with anxiety when light passed through on the tiny crevices where I attached my bricks. I was suffocated by the circulating horror that whispers possibilities to me even if they are far from reality. I was filled with panic that put shackles on my feet. I used my barely free hand and filled all those gaps with cement. No more space for fear to slip. Even an ant will not find a way to bite my sensitive skin. 

I did not know that there is also no more space for me to move. My body is impaled. My fingers can't even pinch my leg. My feet are rooted in the ground. There is no space for the light to pass through. My eyes can't see a shadow, not even the shadow of who I was. My ears can't hear even my heartbeat. I don't see the sun above. I am all walls and I should be tough. But why I am still inhaling fears even if there is no more space to breathe?

Is this the freedom that grown-ups claim to be liberating? These real walls that I have surrounded me give me worthless bail because even if I become free from my fears I am still locked inside a cage, this time even made by my me. How dreadful it is to be jailed by yourself with pretentious keys you keep in your pocket? How horrible it is to be a prisoner of your own covering like a caterpillar stuck on its cocoon? 

I don't want this. 

I'd rather break the walls I have built from the very first brick to the last piece of concrete. I would rather die of fright than die like I am buried alive on a coffin I have designed. Because when I was a kid I don't remember defining myself as a coward because it was perfectly normal to be afraid. It is in my identity to feel, so why was I taught that it was something to suppress and hide? Why is growing up so tedious? Why is it that the older the age, the tougher you should be?

I just want to face fears, not run away from them. I do want to be brave. But if this is the bravery that the world knows, I'd attach a "coward" sign on my forehead.