first to understand

growing up as the eldest, the firstborn, you are supposed to understand everything. 

you are supposed to know the necessity to hit a child even if she doesnt have an inkling why. 

You are supposed to laugh at all those marks, just waiting for them to fade and subside. 

You are supposed to clean up messes you did not create, to lock doors and stay awake. 

You are supposed to help, to shelter, to fix, but never to cower. 

There are days when you tend to feel grateful, for experiencing what they call reality, that you've been opened to the harsh truth of life. But there are moments, when you regret not being able to act like a child. 

To blabber nonsensical things

To cry over a broken barbie head 

To fear shadows and being alone 

And to just be curious - and not understand anything about the world.   

Growing up as the eldest, you are forced to grow up fast. No breaks, no pause, just head on collision. 

And there is no manual, no sign, no tutorial. You are expected to learn and bear it alone.